I just wanted to close the loop on this. And writing is a motion forward and helps me. We tried but ran into so many obstacles. In the end, we were given the option to try a vaccine or a new program at UW (Madison) vet research. We opted for the later knowing it might help and help others. The university could not take her for 2 weeks but we held out hope. She was admitted on Tuesday and given a single treatment. The cancer had spread and a second would not be offered. We picked her up on Wednesday and made an appointment to euthanize her yesterday at our home. We could not do it; my children were not ready. I was not ready.
My wife and I drove her one last time to our farm in western Wisconsin. My wife sat in the back seat of my truck with Hazel's head on her lap the whole 2.5 hour trip. We drove through the fields of our farm with the windows open and stopped for ice cream. She hadn't eaten in a couple days but was able to enjoy a dish (twice). We took some photos of her and my wife and I drove sharing memories of her and our kids. Laughing and crying. I think we forget sometimes how close our wives really are to our hunting companions. Just she and I and the dog that grew up with our kids. We put a blanket on the ground near our cabin and let her look out at the hills she flew through just a few months (weeks!) ago. In May, she pointed a badger and luckily he pointed back!
This morning, the vet came to our home and with our family surrounding our beloved Hazel, she was delivered from the pain. The vet helped my daughter make clay impressions of her feet and we told stories about her. I had my last shot of bourbon with her. And I told her I was sorry for the times I let her down and was less than a perfect owner. She took her last breath at around 10 a.m. with her head on my lap.
She is at peace but I am not and I don't know when I will be. This dog helped my little boy manage his own illnesses. He was in bed for three weeks with her by his side. She was always there for him and was a perfect little dog for him as he grew up.
I am old enough to know the answer to so many questions is "because". But I will never understand the struggle we had to get treatment. The helplessness we felt and the disappointment. Mostly, I will remember the impossible reality of a perfectly healthy dog in May running miles and miles through open grass fields is now gone. How?
I don't ever want to lose the memories I have of her and of my family. I started a journal and as memories pop into my head, i write them down. I see videos on my phone but they are way too hard to watch. I told her how sorry I was and how I promised to never forget her and that we loved her always (even when she stole food and got in trouble).
So the loop is closed and I won't write any more about Hazel and the past six weeks. Thanks for affording me this opportunity to express my grief. And to all of you who have gone down a similar path...so many memories...my sympathies. My little boy just said our family will never be complete again. God I wish we could turn back the clock.
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